Puffy Vin Diesel makes a fool of himself in third ‘xXx’

A failure to have seen the other two films in the “xXx” franchise is not a barrier for entry into “xXx: Return of Xander Cage,” which helpfully introduces characters, old and new, with cheeky mini bios that let you know who does what.

All you really need to know about Xander (Vin Diesel) is that he was a secret spy for the NSA and was assumed dead.

Those character bios are useful for newbies, but also an admission of tactical error: It’s been 15 years since the original “xXx,” and 11 since its follow-up, “xXx: State of the Union,” starring Ice Cube (which was met with a dismal domestic box-office gross). Memories are short, especially where movies that blow things up are concerned. And in a world that has populated the intervening years with the wildly successful and giddily stupid “Fast & Furious” franchise, reviving “xXx” just feels redundant.

Xander, it turns out, has been lying low in the Dominican Republic. Well, not that low — his entrée sees him being chased by authorities as he extreme skis (through the jungle!) to safety, his spy logo still prominently tattooed on the back of his neck. So he’s not all that hard to find when steely intelligence chief Marke (Toni Collette, chewing scenery like a pro) decides to recruit him for a job.

A secret device known as Pandora’s Box (of course) has fallen into the wrong hands, and those wrong hands have been using it to hijack satellites and send them crashing to earth like bombs. One of those satellite bombs took out Augustus Gibbons (Samuel L. Jackson), recruiter for the xXx program. Xander takes the job; now, it’s personal.

To retrieve the device, Xander assembles a motley crew of xXx misfits: teal-haired Adele (Ruby Rose), the sharpshooter; daredevil Tennyson (Rory McCann), the driver; Nicks (Kris Wu), the… DJ? Their mission takes them to the Philippines, here presented as a Pleasure Island for losers where a gyrating woman can be found in the background of every shot as they trade lightning-fast punches with martial artist Xiang (Donnie Yen).

The film is packed with moments of rank idiocy: flying an elite crew on a super secret mission to a distant island on an airplane massive enough to make the Spruce Goose seem covert; shooting a man in the torso and just assuming he’s dead even though an underling was instructed to outfit him with high-tech body armor; surfing on dirt bikes.

Surfing. On. Dirt. Bikes.

Which could be fun lunacy if it weren’t all so embarrassing. Diesel is ridiculous here: a puffy, lunk-headed James Bond pushing 50, garbling witless wisecracks through what sounds like a mouthful of Pop Rocks in the rare screen time he can grab from his obvious stunt doubles.

Some sage advice is dispensed near the very end of the movie: “Kick some [butt], get the girl and try to look dope while you’re doing it.” Alas, the words of wisdom come too late. “xXx: Return of Xander Cage” manages everything but the most crucial bit.

Barbara VanDenburgh, USA TODAY Network

★1⁄2

Paramount Pictures presents a film directed by D.J. Caruso and written by F. Scott Frazier, Chad St. John and Rich Wilkes. Rated PG-13 (for extended sequences of gunplay and violent action, and for sexual material and language). Running time: 107 minutes. Opens Friday at local theaters.