‘Very Cavallari’: Nothing seems real except the real estate

“We have more ducks coming in, more chickens coming in. … I just told you all the stuff I have to do!” – Jay Cutler, sounding a bit like Napoleon Dynamite as he tells his wife Kristin he’s super busy.

As they say on the Twitter, a personal note:

Every time I write about “Very Cavallari,” I hear from a few loyal readers imploring me to cease and desist from spending even one more minute focusing on a silly and superficial reality TV show.

Duly noted, and respectfully logged.

But here’s the thing. Shows such as “The Bachelor” (and all its spinoffs) and “The Real Housewives” and “Very Cavallari” are 21st century, pseudo-reality versions of old-school prime-time soap operas like “Dallas” and “Dynasty” and “Knots Landing.”

They’re in on the joke. They know this stuff is glossy and well-produced and harmless trash. They realize it’s all about escapism and guilty pleasures.

For all the weepy, wine-throwing, overwrought histrionics by the “cast” members and all the slick production elements, the overall tone of these shows is so cheesy, and the storylines are so obviously conceived and manipulated, it’s clear the producers are letting us in on the conceit and winking at us every step of the way.

Why not relax and enjoy the ride?

Every major storyline in Episode 3, Season 3, of “Very Cavallari” is an exercise in manufactured “reality” TV.

Let’s start with Kristin and Jay still trying to sell their former home in Nashville, more than a year after they’ve moved out.

“We haven’t really focused on it too much,” says Kristin, who wears a black cocktail dress with a plunging neckline that just barely contains her assets in the interstitial interviews between segments.

You know life is grand when you’re not all that concerned about selling a 19,983-square-foot estate with seven bedrooms and 7 ½ baths.

Granted, the price has dropped from $7.9 million to $5.3 million, but Kristin and Jay hardly seem worried. Even when they get “motivated” to make a sale, they trust Kristin’s friend Justin and his partner Scoot (who have been living on the property and know zero about real estate ) to host an open house for prospective buyers.

If I’m Justin and Scoot, I’d manufacture a whole haunted house scenario just to scare off any potential clients and squat the heck out of that place.

Meanwhile, Kristin’s friend Brittainy has been having lots of “breakup sex” with her musician ex-boyfriend, who might well be a great guy in real life but has always comes across on the series as a sour, petulant, unappreciative downer.

Brittainy fears she’s pregnant. She shares this information with Kristin, and again at a lunch with two girlfriends. Tears are shed. Interviews are conducted. Brittainy is freaking out because the last thing she wants is for her ex to become a baby daddy.

If only we lived in a world in which Brittainy could walk into any corner drugstore and purchase a reliable, at-home pregnancy test kit!

Spoiler alert: Brittainy finally does just that, and it turns out she’s not pregnant after all —which leads to a weird celebration sequence, complete with upbeat music as Brittainy tells her dog, “You’re my only baby, you’re my only baby!”

The hit parade of contrived situations continues when Kristin sets up a counseling session for herself as well as her friends Justin and Brittainy, in the hope they each can attain some clarity and learn some truths about their respective lives.

Not that they’ll be meeting with a licensed therapist of any kind. They’ll be consulting with an astrologist, and we know this guy means business because the slogan on his T-shirt says, “I FEEL LOVE.”

Donna Summer got there first with that sentiment in 1977, pal.

The astrologist tells Brittainy her ex “can be extremely self-involved” — a sharp insight proving the astrologist is either truly gifted or has watched any of a half-dozen previous episodes of “Very Cavallari” in which the ex has already proved to be extremely self-involved.

As for K-Cav … the astrologist tells her, “Kristin, you are a Capricorn with Aries moon and Cancer rising. That is a TRIPLE leader sign.”

Kudos to Astrologist Guy for keeping a straight face as he serves up that triple scoop of nonsense. If only we lived in a world in which Kristin could walk into any corner drugstore and purchase a reliable bulls- - - detector!