Someone in Chicago keeps distance from boyfriend's drama-filled family

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Dear Ismael,

How can I deal with my boyfriend’s family since they always create drama? I try to keep my distance as much as possible, but there are times when it’s unavoidable.

— Drama-free in Logan Square

Dear Drama-free,

I’m glad things are going well enough for you to start thinking about how others fit into your relationship. It’s getting serious, and that’s a good thing.

Your situation isn’t pleasant, but, if you’re willing to compromise being around his family — and look past a turnoff that’s beyond your boyfriend’s control — that means you might really like (or love) him and want this relationship to work.

I don’t want to be the single friend giving advanced relationship advice, so I arranged a mini couples counseling session for you.

Provided.

Hedy Tan, a relational life therapy couples and relationship facilitator with more than 35 years of experience, said what you have to realize is that your thoughts about his family are your perspective.

“With couples, there are two people, and each comes from different backgrounds and circumstances,” Tan said. “What’s normal and familiar to one person might not be normal to the other, depending on what they grew up with.”

You have to be careful, respectful and thoughtful to not create anything that might negatively affect your boyfriend or his family, Tan said. If you crack under pressure, he’ll feel he has to protect them. Then, the family will perceive you as the problem, and you’ll be the one creating drama.

Don’t worry, though. There are healthy ways to not lose your cool. Here are some tips from Tan, with friendly input from me:

They’re his family to deal with

When setting boundaries, Tan’s guidelines are: If it’s your partner’s family, they deal with them. If it’s your family, they’re your responsibility.

Y’all know your families and how to deal with them best. Build mature and healthy communication with them, and be ready to put your partner’s comfort first.

Detach yourself for protection

If the family asks for your attendance — like, say, weekly Sunday brunch — you’re free to excuse yourself from those potentially drama-filled commitments.

When you do, Tan said it’s important you use the “I” statement to express yourself, followed by a “check-in” with them and some appreciation. For example, “I really appreciate being invited. Thank you for including me. If it’s OK with you, I am gonna have to pass.”

If you’re in need of a good excuse, and you’re a bad liar, make conflicting plans with friends on purpose. That’s my unprofessional social advice.

If you feel like you can tolerate brunch once or twice a month (maybe to make an effort for your boyfriend to not feel awkward explaining your constant absence), then offer that option so you won’t have to shut down the invitation completely, Tan said.

In instances where you do give them a chance, and you sense drama sneaking in, feel free to excuse yourself by going to another room. If that’s not far enough — go home, honey.

Absence gives insight

If the family notices your absence, I would hope they’d get the social cues and realize it might be something they’re doing to not create a welcoming environment. And, for the sake of being nice, change or accommodate their behavior.

Tan left me with this: “If the family is healthy, they’ll be able to gain some insight into themselves. If they’re unhealthy, they will not.”

If it’s the latter — I hope that man is worth it.

Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.