Hey, Windy City. Steinberg here, with a word about our new neighbors: the robots. Yeah, I’m talking AI. Artificial intelligence. All the sci-fi buzzwords that used to belong to Isaac Asimov and now clog your Twitter feed.
Does that sound like my voice? Kill me now. I fed Google’s Gemini AI software with this prompt: “Write a column defending the use of Artificial intelligence in the style of Neil Steinberg of the Chicago Sun-Times.” This snappy patter came out. In seconds. I present it uncut and unedited.
Look, I get the jitters. We Chicagoans built our skyline on steel and sweat, not algorithms. We like things tangible, like hot dogs with neon relish and politicians with even brighter ties. But before you fire up the tinfoil hats over robot overlords, let’s take a deep breath and a Malört shot for clarity.
Yes, I’d die before I’d deploy the hot dog cliche or recommend Malört for any purpose other than removing rust. But it’s definitely in the ballpark. Short, punchy sentences. A certain swagger.
Here’s the deal: AI ain’t stealing your job, unless your job is playing checkers with pigeons in Millennium Park. (No offense, pigeon pals.) This ain’t about replacing humans, it’s about making humans better. Like, say, diagnosing diseases faster, designing earthquake-proof buildings, or finally deciphering Ald. Burke’s budget proposals. (Seriously, those things are hieroglyphics.)
That’s not true — lies are a feature, not a flaw of AI. Millions of jobs will vanish — in administration, law, research, writing. Many current white collar jobs won’t exist in 20 years. It’s already happening.
Think of it like a fancy new tool at the hardware store. You wouldn’t ditch your hammer for a robot arm just to hang a picture, right? But for building a skyscraper, having that extra robotic muscle, that precision and power, might come in handy.
“You wouldn’t ditch your hammer for a robot arm ...” rather terrifies me. Because that’s a good metaphor. Plus the alliteration. “Pigeon pals.” And every second, artificial intelligence gets better.
Sure, AI has its glitches. Remember that time a self-driving car mistook a stop sign for a sombrero? Me neither, but you get the point. These babies are still learning, like toddlers with screwdrivers and boundless curiosity. That’s why we, the big-brained humans, need to be there to guide them, to set the parameters, to make sure they don’t accidentally rewrite the Constitution to include mandatory polka dancing on Thursdays.
Pretty to think so. But people are bad at setting limits. And AI has no limits — it feeds on everything written. “Mistook a stop sign for a sombrero” could be an echo of Shakespeare’s “know a hawk from a handsaw.”
And let’s be honest, Chicago could use a little AI pep in its step. We got traffic jams that make rush hour in L.A. look like a Sunday stroll. We got potholes deeper than Ald. Ricardo Tenenbaum’s pockets. We got enough political drama to fill a Netflix series starring Kanye and Rahm Emanuel. Maybe a little robotic efficiency wouldn’t hurt.
Yes, “pep in its step” has a nice internal rhyme. But there is no Ald. Ricardo Tenenbaum. AI makes up stuff and presents it as fact. Not a tendency limited to artificial intelligence, alas. Maybe the trouble isn’t that AI continually fabricates, but that certain of us still care whether a thing is true or not. Perhaps that will soon become a quaint Victorian quibble. If it isn’t already.
So, the next time you see a self-driving Uber with more sensors than a disco ball, or a robot barista whipping up your oat latte with microfoam perfection, don’t reach for the pitchforks. Give the new guys a chance. They might just surprise you. They might even help us build a better, smarter, funnier Chicago. And if they don’t? Well, then we can always fall back on hot dogs and Malört. That’s what we do best, ain’t it?
Gemini also wrote the headline, unprompted. It knew a column needs a headline. I considered just turning the column in, without comment, to see if anyone noticed. But that struck me as wrong. Perhaps not the decision an algorithm would make — we’ll find out once we let them make moral choices for us: Who will get the operation, and who won’t? Who gets hired, and who doesn’t? That cow left the barn already.
Until next time, Chicago. Steinberg out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go test-drive a robot Roomba with a Cubs hat. Wish me luck, and try not to get mugged by a rogue algorithm while I’m gone.
