Dear Ismael,
I need some career advice, or maybe this counts as communication advice? My boss is a chronic micromanager and mansplainer. It’s driving me nuts, but I know I have to keep my cool for professionalism’s sake. Now, I know this is a common boss trait, but it is getting out of hand — and feeling a little personal.
He gives me unsolicited critiques on how to travel, where to eat and how to spend my weekends. I understand that sometimes he’s trying to help, and maybe he thinks his advice will help me unwind on my time off.
But I feel like it is edging on unprofessionalism, and I don’t know how to curb it. Do you have any advice on how to better communicate my feelings, both professionally and personally, without making it awkward?
— Bossed Around in Ukrainian Village
Dear Bossed Around,
The first thing most would say to do is quit. That’s definitely an option. But bad bosses are a real thing, and we can’t just quit every time we have to tolerate one.
Looking at how much you are hoping to reach a resolution, it tells me there’s something keeping you at that job. It might be a good salary, a promotion you’ve been working toward — a pro that outweighs this annoying con.
So let’s unpack this micromanaging mansplainer. I think those personality traits are very similar and could be addressed the same way.
I asked girlfriends for the woman perspective, and there appears to be a consensus of rage and frustration, followed by a willingness to nod along and give a man the benefit of the doubt.
Some men might not know they’re doing something wrong. If it’s a common occurrence — him assuming your vagina hinders your ability to comprehend simple tasks — it’s your turn to teach him how to talk to you with more respect.
A friend gave me an example of a great boss who would avoid mansplaining — and the urge to micromanage — by starting conversations with a “Do you have experience with this?” Or: “Have you encountered this, and would you mind sharing?”
The boss would follow that with, “Great, the reason I ask is . . .” Or: “Thank you for sharing, I’ve heard this and that and wanted to make sure you weren’t having any issues.”
To get to that level of healthy communication, you have to bring it up to your boss. It can be at a scheduled meeting or could happen naturally the next time he goes on a mansplaining rant and the problem is out, fresh in the open, and ready to be addressed.
I would come prepared with examples of when the micromanaging or mansplaining happens, how it makes you feel or how it affects your work and what you both could do to rebuild confidence in each other and get past the problem.
Sometimes, we don’t know we have fixable habits until someone kindly tells us. Like with loud chewers or when you finally have to tell that one friend: “Did you know you have a tendency to cut people off when they talk?”
But maybe you’re too shy to confront him. Or your boss is just an a--hole who doesn’t plan to change. That’s your cue to go to human resources for a more anonymous and safe way to complain in hopes of getting your boss to change.
You deserve to feel comfortable at work. And if your boss or company doesn’t take your discomfort seriously, then, yes, quit.
Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.
