Dear Ismael,
We know relationships take work. But what is the difference between doing the work of being in a relationship vs. when a relationship just isn’t working, and we are forcing something that wants us to let go due to its hardship and challenge?
— Life After Love in Lincoln Square
Dear Life After Love,
My mother always told me (maybe as a way to reassure herself), “Your father might be a drunk, but he’s a drunk who gets up to go to work in the morning. Not everyone can say that.”
That might be a bit extreme and perhaps not the most healthy example, but that was my example of what it takes to make a relationship work: demonstrating a commitment to bettering one’s self in areas where they fall short as a partner. It sounds simple, but it’s not.
Whether you’re learning to live with a partner’s vices, trying to reach a compromise after realizing you have different aspirations in life or simply growing tired of how your partner handles disagreements — everyone’s tolerance is different, and sometimes love isn’t enough to get you through it.
For more insights into modern relationships, I asked friends (ranging from their late 20s to late 30s) to dig through their relationship trauma and accomplishments and share some wisdom. What made them leave, and what made them stay?
Reaching the relationship crossroads
There will be a point where disagreements will get nasty, and your emotional “fight-or-flight” instinct will kick in.
“You can feel it literally in your body if it just isn’t working, and your body rejects everything you do to try,” a friend said, describing an instance in which she tried to make it work with a long-term partner.
But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves.
Before making a decision, there needs to be clear communication about what the problem is and what is making the relationship a challenge. How you and your partner handle those disagreements is a testament to how healthy or dysfunctional the relationship is and should determine whether the relationship should move forward.
“If someone is getting mad and jumping down the other’s throat, that is a sign they don’t want to make a relationship work, and they feel like they have been wronged and want to get even,” another friend said.
As we address our not-so-pleasant characteristics, egos need to be pushed aside, and there must be a willingness from each person to work it out.
How to proceed
While working on a relationship, we can be working on ourselves, too.
Maybe we never realized we can be loud chewers and are now trying to be more aware to not annoy our partner. Maybe our temper makes our partner uncomfortable, so now we try to be more in control of our emotions. Or maybe you just moved in with your partner to a new city, and you realize you’re having a very hard time being away from family, and your partner isn’t enough to keep you happy.
Like a friend told me, “Commitment runs deep, alongside love. [We can show that by] not just being loyal and not cheating but being committed to making real changes to yourself for the relationship.”
How much are you willing to budge to make the relationship work? How much patience do you have for that person to go through that change?
As many lovers have proved for centuries, it is possible to make it work. It’s very possible people change for the better.
But it’s also possible that positive change won’t happen during their time with you.
Sometimes, we are just collateral damage on someone’s journey to finding the best version of themselves.
Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.
